


Jedi Mind Tricks

by Kizmet



Series: Interview Cannon Sucks [5]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Except Rhodes' Spine, Gen, Not Steve Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sarcasm, Shuri can fix anything, Trial by Combat is a great way to pick your Head of State
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 19:08:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14063535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kizmet/pseuds/Kizmet
Summary: According to CACW’s writers Bucky Barnes is “not a guy who should be running around happily. He may not be 100% guilty, but he’s damn sure not 100% innocent.”  So what does Marvel think Bucky deserves based on what we’ve seen of his future from the “Black Panther” post-credit scene?The number one reason why Interview Cannon Sucks:  It doesn’t count.  Marvel can changes their mind about what they say in interviews without so much as acknowledging that they changed their tune.





	Jedi Mind Tricks

**Author's Note:**

> Post-Credits CACW: Bucky goes back into Cryo
> 
> Markus and McFeely Pod cast:
> 
>  
> 
> <http://www.mandatory.com/culture/985969-captain-america-civil-war-writers-b-movies-podcast#/slide/1>
> 
>  
> 
> Q: Why was it necessary to put the winter soldier back on ice?  
> A: Well because, I mean for one thing he is, give or take his intellectual capacity, 100% guilty. And to have Steve just running around getting free salads with him on some island, it’s a little too unpunished, in a way. This is not a guy who should be running around happily. He may not be 100% guilty, but he’s damn sure not 100% innocent.
> 
> Post-Credits BP: Bucky’s out of cryo, cured of his triggers, basically having all his needs catered to in Spa-Wakanda… So what was that about Bucky shouldn’t be running around getting free salads on some island? Well, I suppose Wakanda isn’t an island paradise. 
> 
> Meanwhile Rhodes is walking with braces in the IW trailer when BP also showed that Wakanda considers healing spinal cord damage to be trivial. Seems that what the MCU really considers a harshly punishable offense, deserving of a massive dose of karma and long-lasting consequences, is being Tony Stark’s friend. 
> 
> I still mostly loath that interview for the notion that Wanda is less guilty than Bucky but now we can add that this interview cannon has already been contradicted by movie cannon for reasons why interview cannon is just annoying.
> 
> The timeline is a little unclear. According to wiki Bucky goes back into cryo several weeks after Killmonger’s defeat and doesn’t indicate when the post-credits scene from BP happens. But during BP, when T’Challa dumps E. Ross in his sister’s lap Shuri makes a crack about “Another broken white boy to fix”, indicating that she’d already started working on Bucky at that point.

T’Challa returned from Siberia with the man responsible for his father’s murder in his custody… And with the man he’d wrongfully blamed for that murder and hunted across Europe as a house guest.

“Shuri, honor demands that I make restitution for the wrong I did Sergeant Barnes,” T’Challa said solemnly. “Could you see to providing him with a new arm? Oh, and first you should probably get rid of the triggers HYDRA installed in his brain over a period of seventy years of torture and conditioning to turn him into a mindless killing machine.”

Shuri cocked her head to one side, “Sure, why not? I’m done with revolutionizing Wakanda’s mining industry, I needed a new side project. I can fit fixing a broken white boy between improving your armor and this other fun little pun-worthy thing I’m working on. Send him down to my lab ASAP.”

“Er, well, that might take awhile,” T’Challa hedged. “I loaned him and his captain one of our stealth jets, a few dozen of our inventions and a pilot so they could break the rest of their friends out of the United State’s evil secret prison.”

“You mean the one Tony Stark was complaining about to the UN because it was in violation of the unanimously adopted Nelson Mandela Rules?” Shuri asked. “Some secret, it’s all over the news. The US president is horribly embarrassed. I guess building a secret prison is one thing but letting a guy who can send reports on their violations to the personal email addresses of all fifteen judges on the International Court of Justice AND demand a press conference on a whim is just stupid.”

T’Challa looked surprised. He’d been busy coming up with explanations for how he’d found Zemo and why he’d been in Siberia without permission from the Russian government. Travel visas weren’t invented by the Sokovia Accords after all.  He'd missed some of the recent new coverage in the process.

“Tony Stark looked like he’d been through a meat grinder and I just heard that really cute Colonel Rhodes was paralyzed from his injuries at Leipzig,” Shuri added after a moment. “The fight must have been brutal, I’m just glad you didn’t get hurt. Well, except getting tased. You’re not extending hospitality to that one right? As your sister, I’d have to hurt her and Okoye would totally help me. Only I get to taser you or blow you up or-”

T’Challa looked awkward. “I was wrong to pursue revenge against Sgt. Barnes.”

“Still your sister,” Shuri pointed out. “I don’t like her. From what Okoye told me she asked for your help in apprehending those guys who were ignoring the laws Baba died supporting and then in the middle of the fight she changed sides and stabbed you in the back.”

“She stopped me from compounding my error in believing that Sgt. Barnes was the one who killed our father,” T’Challa said.

“Did she know Barnes was innocent?” Shuri asked. “If she did why didn’t she present the ICJ with proof? Tony Stark provided information about some murdered psychiatrist and how the guy impersonating him was responsible for the mess in Berlin and probably framed Barnes for the Vienna Bombing to get the whole world looking for him.”

“I don’t believe she knew at that time,” T’Challa admitted. “Still, it all worked out for the best.”

“She let the guy she believed set off a bomb that killed Baba go because his best friend was her friend? And she tasered you to do it, in the middle of a battle that she asked you to help fight?” Shuri pointed out. “If you bring her here, I’m going to taser her back, absolute minimum.”

“I suppose that’s… fair,” T’Challa allowed.

Shuri was silent for a few seconds then asked, “How about the one who screwed up in Lagos and killed twelve of our countrymen?  You’re not taking her in right?”

“Ms. Maximoff is just a child, it was unfortunate that our people got caught in the crossfire but what happened in Lagos wasn’t her fault, she was trying to do the right thing,” T’Challa scolded.

“She’s older than I am,” Shuri said. “I’m the head of technology for our country, do you think I’m just a child?”

“Of course not, but um… You’re Wakanda. Your age is irrelevant to your accomplishments. Although I’m feeling a little unready for kingship, to be honest.”

“About Maximoff, has there been an investigation?” Shuri asked. “Was the safety of bystanders in that marketplace properly considered before the American heroes decided to lay an ambush for Rumlow there? What measures did they have in place to minimize potential casualties? Did they even discuss what might go wrong when they put capturing the bad guy above the safety of the civilians going about their lives unaware that they were in danger?”

“The government is corrupt, any investigation would be suspect.”

“Not our government,” Shuri said. “I mean you’re a good man and an absolute monarch, the only way we could be corrupted is if our system of checks and balances gets you kicked off the throne by some lunatic who happens to be better than you in one-on-one combat. But trial by combat is the best way to determine who’s the most fit to lead our country isn’t it? I mean it’s not even slightly an excuse to keep women out of power. Even though I’m smarter than you and much more accomplished than you, you’re definitely the better leader between the two of us because you could beat me up in a ritual battle that disallows any technological aids that would neutralize the advantages of reach, weight and greater upper body strength granted to you because you’re male. Actually… It’s a sort of stupid tradition, something that seriously needs modernizing.”

“Shuri, you’re going to start a revolt if you keep disregarding our time-honored. traditions,” T’Challa said frowning. “Can you do anything for Sgt. Barnes?”

Shuri rolled her eyes, “Without a scan of his brain or anything? Well, since all of HYDRA’s data was dumped online a couple of years back, I guess I could see if any of their medical records on him are floating around anywhere… Tell him to stop by my lab when he has a moment.”

* * *

_Several weeks later_

“Ms. Maximoff opted to be dropped off in Europe so that she could reunite with the boyfriend she knocked through multiple stories of their previous home so the two of them could live in domestic bliss,” T’Challa informed Shuri. “Thus I have cancelled the investigation into the deaths of our countrymen in Lagos. After all Captain Rogers, who planned and led that mission, has assured me that they saved everyone they could. His judgement regarding a mission he planned and led is completely unbiased and above all question.”

“Seriously?” Shuri asked. “I mean, really: You’re serious? The only inquiry into the deaths of twelve of our people is conducted by the guy who was in charge of the team that screwed up?”

“He’s Captain America,” T’Challa said. Shuri gave him a disbelieving look but he continued before she could say anything. “Have you made any progress in curing Sgt. Barnes?”

“You mean in the eight hours since he finally showed up for an exam?” Shuri asked. “Our tech is good but it still takes time to analyze the results of a test. I didn’t have much of a chance to dig into the information online about him either… What with your cornination, the coup and conter-coup, trying to devise a means of reviving some of the Heart Shaped Herb seeds burned in the fire, patching up your other white boy…”

“You have been very busy,” T’Challa admitted. “I am sorry to put this on you as well, but-”

“Speaking of spinal cord injuries, why don’t I kidnap Colonel Rhodes and fix him up? I’m tired of fixing foreign white boys, why not a foreign black boy?”

“Shuri! Colonel Rhodes is much too old for you!” T’Challa exclaimed.

“I don’t want to date him. I mean just because he’s smart, educated, hot, a decorated hero, really hot, was injured while fighting as your teammate-”

“Not truly,” T’Challa interrupted. “I joined Tony Stark’s team under false pretenses, as a means to continue my wrongful pursuit of revenge against Sgt. Barnes. I didn’t actually feel any alliance or sense of obligation to those I fought alongside... Even after the Vision shielded me from hit that could have seriously injured me.”

“So what?” Shuri asked. “Fixing up Colonel Rhodes won’t expose any Wakandan secrets that weren’t already exposed by fixing up Everett Ross. You didn’t even like Everett when you dumped him on me, you just felt guilty that he got shot shielding Nakia. Don’t you feel any guilt about someone who got hurt while you were wrongfully pursuing vengeance and not being much of a team-player?”

“Can we talk about Sgt. Barnes?” T’Challa demanded. “He has expressed a wish to be placed back in Cryogenic sleep if we don’t have a cure for him. And that would make Captain America very sad.”

“The same one who was in charge of the team at Lagos?” Shuri asked. “Can we investigate his involvement in the deaths of our people there? Since the one who actually tossed the bomb into our people’s embassy is busy getting it on with her boyfriend in Europe?”

“No, Captain Rogers is a good man,” T’Challa declared firmly.

“I’ll talk to Sgt. Barnes,” Shuri sighed.

* * *

“So Sargent I’m working on your little trigger problem and we’ll give you an arm as soon as we know you’re not going to go berserk at any moment and start killing our people but as good as I am I’m not a miracle worker,” Shuri declared. “I think you’re jumping the gun with this whole going back to being a human popsicle thing. Give me at least a week to analyze the scans I took of your brain before doing anything hasty.”

Bucky glanced around nervously then leaned closer to Shuri. “Stevie can’t hear me right?”

Shuri shook her head.

Bucky sighed in relief, “I don’t want ta hurt his feelings but ever since he caught up to me it’s been nothing but trouble. I’ve been in fights with cops and peacekeepers in two different countries, beat the hell out of a guy who was out of his head because I killed his parents and Stevie thought it was a good idea to hide that from him for years. I’ve been involved in two prison breaks and been framed for bombing the UN by some guy who was out to get Stevie’s team ‘cause they don’t answer for the collateral damage they do.”

“Can’t you just tell him that you want him to leave you alone?” Shuri asked.

“You don’t know Stevie,” Bucky said.

Shuri thought for a few minutes, “Well, it might get him out of my country. I’ll set up a cryo chamber for you.  You tell him bye-bye.  Once he gets bored of waiting for me to fix you and leaves, I’ll wake you up and we can get started… Or better yet I’ll wake you up when I’m done, why should you have to be up and suffering confinement? It shouldn’t take me more than… Um, six months tops! To figure out how to erase seventy years of HYDRA’s torture and mental programming. I’m a genius after all! And I’ve got access to vibranium, it can do anything!  Trust me!”

* * *

_Five Months Later_

Bucky woke up in a quiet peaceful hut in one of Wakanda’s outlying villages. Shuri assured him that all of HYDRA’s triggers had been removed. Then she told him he could stay as long as he needed, according to her the village was something of a nature retreat that catered to people from the Golden City who were looking for a traditional vacation. For the next year plus a few months, until Thanos showed up, Bucky spent his days playing with the local kids who were all great, catching up on the time he’d missed and eating all the plums he could want.

Bucky didn’t really need the plums anymore, Shuri’s science had proved a much more reliable means of recovering his memories than an old wives tale about plums, but he still liked the taste.


End file.
